Farm (Notevember 2022, #31)

‘You know the saying “You got to break a few eggs to make an omelette?” Well, here at the Mega Egg Company we say you got to break an egg to make a few omelettes! Just a little joke for you, folks.’
   ‘You see, we believe in sustainable farming. Taking responsibility for the land you manage, and the animals you rear – well, that’s just a no-brainer, isn’t it? But that has to include making the most out of the resources you have, without wearing them down due to overuse.’
   ‘Our founders, Betty and Milton Mega – yes, was their actual name! – had been raising chickens for quite some time before they founded Mega Egg. And they knew that laying an egg a day puts quite a strain on a hen. So how do you maximize output without putting out the maximum amount of eggs? Simple: make ‘em bigger. The gentleman from Texas in the back there should appreciate that notion, huh? Yes, sir, I see you do, haha!’
   ‘Now, that’s not a novel idea, perhaps. It’s well known that bigger chickens lay bigger eggs. But until Betty and Milton’s… experiments… there was a definite limit to how large a chicken could grow. Some say they were more interested in creating giant chickens, and some say they were all about the eggs. What’s the chicken and the egg in that particular scenario? I actually asked Milton, once, before he passed away. And you know what he said? “Well, a chicken’s a chicken and an egg’s an egg.” That’s classic Milton for you, folks.’
   ‘In any case, it didn’t take a genius – although Betty sure was one – to figure out that the number of vegetarians was on the rise, and meat-eaters would eventually become few and far between. So they settled for egg production. Fewer eggs, but so much bigger. And tastier, let me tell you! If you don’t believe me, you’ll have a chance to try some for yourself at the end of the tour.’
   ‘And with that said, enough of my beaking. Before we begin our walk through the farm, are there any questions? Yes, in front here.’
   ‘No, ma’am, you’ll be perfectly safe. The chickens are all bred to be incredibly docile, so there really are no safety concerns of that sort. I’ve been here for nigh on four years now, and in all that time I’ve only seen one person get pecked on by a bird. To be fair, he was wearing a Halloween costume in the form of a corn cob, so that’s on him. But I would still advise all of you to keep your distance from any chicken currently poking about in the dirt.’
   ‘Next question. Yes, sir, in the green shirt there. Well, we feed them giant corn. But we always double check to make sure there’s no human hidden in there, haha. Jokes aside, it’s a mixture of corn and other grains, and grass and wild herbs that grow naturally here. We’re big on letting the animals roam as they please here at Mega Egg. Free-range is what it says on the packaging, and that’s what they do. Anyway, you’ll be able to take a closer look at their dinner when we pass by the feeding station.’
   ‘I see one more hand up. Yes, sir? Sorry, what’s that? How do you breed them? Well, you’re in luck, because I see a colleague walking this way, and he’s actually an expert in that area. Darnell! Darnell has been with us almost since the beginning.’
   ‘Hi, Darnell! This gentleman has a question regarding the breeding of the chickens. I was thinking you can probably give him a more qualified answer than I could.’
   ‘Yeah? What do you need to breed giant hens? Well, first off you need a giant co–’
   ‘–ntainer for the eggs, that’s right, haha. An incubator, more precisely, right, Darnell?’
   ‘… Right.’
   ‘Tell you what, Darnell, I see you’re busy, and we really should get the tour started. I’m sure we’ll find the answer to your question, sir, on the tour. Sorry to bother you, Darnell.’
   ‘Oh, no problem, Stan. In fact, why don’t I treat our guests to something special? I was just about to teach our intern about egg extraction, and I’m sure it could be a learning experience for others, too.’
   ‘What a joker he is, huh, folks?’
   ‘Just come along here, people, and I’ll show you how we get the eggs onto the trucks.’
   ‘Really, Darnell, I’m not sure that–’
   ‘What’s the plunger for, you ask?’
   ‘Uh, Darnell, we shouldn’t…’
   ‘I commend your curiosity, ma’am, and you will get your answer in just a minute. See that bird over there? That’s Tess. Now, I’m gonna demonstrate, and then maybe one of you wanna try?’
   ‘Oh, no…’
   ‘Just remember what we say here at Mega Egg Farm: if you break it, you buy it.’